Straylight Run is the air in my lungs

WOW, it's been a long damn time since I wrote something. I got a lot on my mind at the moment, just don't feel like writing it down yet...still stewing on it a bit. ;) But I do feel the need to copy the lyrics from Straylight Run's "A Slow Descent" onto here just for some thinking material for you. Every time I hear this song....man, hard core self-analysis follows. Thought I'd throw some of it your way. I bolded some of the parts that hit me really hard. Have fun. Reflect like crazy because I can't anymore.

"A Slow Descent" (Straylight Run)
I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but i used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference,
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
and I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".

The spotlight.
The focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
And don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
So we drove
for what seemed like days
over roads
and four lane highways.
We said all we had to say
and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.
Never,
not ever again.
Not like that.
"It's only a matter of time".

Missing Person Report

Sometimes I feel like I'm a missing person....losing the friends I once had and slipping away from the ones I have now. You have a life that I'm not a part of anymore, I have a life that few are a part of now. Talking to each other is slipping from a zillion times a day to a handful of phonecalls a month. Sometimes I want to run away and disappear to somewhere else for awhile. I think I might do that tonight...just for a night, just to BE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Karma's a b****

So I have an EXCELLENT story for you. Let me set the scene.....
Yesterday morning I was on my way to school, puttering along in my ridiculously ghetto-fabulous car---anyone who knows my car understands exactly what I'm talking about---and as I pull into the high school parking lot (my place of work), I notice that a student has parked IN MY SPOT. I'm furious. I have an assigned parking spot right in front of my classroom building and students are not allowed to park there, and they know this. But apparently the big yellow words "STAFF PARKING" painted on the pavement were not enough of a clue to this student. Many staff members have been becoming disgruntled regarding this increasing problem of students stealing staff parking spots. So, seeing that Ditsy Dottie Student has parked her jalopy (a somewhat nicer jalopy than mine) in my car's residence I realize that I have to park elsewhere.....except there is no "elsewhere" to park. By this time, all of the students have occupied the rest of the regular "student parking" spots as well. Now I'm in a bind. I have two options: drive off campus and park in residential area and then hall all my shit to my classroom (and, it is a LOT of shit to hall around) or park in a handicap spot and risk getting fined/towed. Well, there's no way that I'm going to park in residential and hike a mile to the room and I'm also not the type to park in handicap and take the spot away from someone who truly needs it (having a disabled grandmother taught me that...I know, I'm sensitive like that). After much debate, I finally realize that I've overlooked magical option number 3.......it's a beauty. :) I decide to use this unfortunate incident as a "teachable moment" and am determined to teach this student a lesson. What did I do?......I double-parked right behind that student! OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Here's the kicker though: just as I rolled up behind the student's car, my car died and she was stuck there not only during school hours, during lunch (she couldn't get out of the spot to go off campus), but also after school for about 45 minutes while she waited until my car could get "repaired." HAHAHAHAHAHA Some of my other students who knew my story made comments to Ditsy Dottie Student such as, "that's what you get for parking in a teacher's spot, she doesn't mess around," and "karma's a bitch, isn't it." I think the lesson was learned and she never did that again. In fact, I think all students on campus will never park in Ms. H's spot again. HAHAHAHAHAHA. And my car dies all the time, so I was used to that and it wasn't a surprise or inconvenience for me...it has just become my "grading papers time" but I have to say that I found it quite satisfying to make Ditsy Dottie Student wait for a long time after school for parking in my spot. She seemed quite irritated and I don't give a shit. hahaha But, just a note to the viewers: Don't try this at home, you may get towed or ticketed. I obtained the permission, support, and "go ahead" from my school security staff. They thought it was f-ing hilarious. Peace out.

Numb

I don't recognize my life. The things I once enjoyed I seem to have abandoned altogether and even doing them occasionally doesn't mean much anymore. I have been rebelling against my faith in these past months and I don't know why, yet even the fact that I've recognized that I'm rebelling doesn't bring me any closer to going to church or opening my Bible. When did I become so apathetic towards my faith and why am I so resistant to taking the steps toward spirtitual growth? I'm sure that most of you would probably tell me that the reason I've been so sad is because I'm "not in church" and "not right with God," but I have this strange feeling that I'd feel depressed either way. Maybe I'm just a naturally sad person if something like that even exists. I've already gone through the whole "let's try and fill my life with random, empty things to make me feel better" experience and I know that's not what I'm going through now because I recognize the fact that nothing can fill that "God-shaped hole" in my heart and God already resides there. And I haven't been filling my life with much of anything these days. So that's not what this is. This is something else entirely, some sad chapter in my life or some era where I've fallen away and refuse to walk back toward Him. Some episode or version of the prodigal daughter who knows she's far from her Father but hasn't returned home yet. Why do I stay away? Why, if I know that He is love and He is forgiveness and He is peace, do I stay away? If those are the things I want in my life, if those are the fruits worth pursuing, if those are the features my heart longs for, why do I not return home to Him to receive them as He so graciously hands them out to all who ask? I've hit rock bottom at least twice in my life and I feel as though I'm sinking again. "It's no secret that I've fallen...I won't stop til I get to the bottom." Ben Lee wrote that in the lyrics to one of his songs and it reverberates in my mind daily. Is it possible to be content in one's misery or is it just that I'm afraid of pursuing happiness and peace with God simply because it requires change and a true evaluation of my life, my thinking, my values, my friends, my priorities? Do I think I can ever truly be happy and at peace with myself....if I answer honestly I sound like a depressed, hopeless human being. But if I lie to appease you, I'm only continuing the facade that I've already created amongst my friends, family, coworkers, and peers and still get nowhere. I feel like the town idiot who has chained herself to a pole, only to be holding the key that opens the lock in her other hand and yet still chooses not to break free. Everyone sees. Believers know that "God is the answer" and as a believer, I know it as well. I don't need anyone to tell me that, but for some reason I don't listen to them or to my own heart. I've locked myself to my sin and unhappiness and I know how to escape...but I choose not to. I know that my happiness lays on the side of freedom, on the side of God, on the side of love, on the side of peace....so why don't I pursue that.....why doesn't everyone pursue that? I feel scared. I feel scared that I don't care enough about my relationship with Christ to meet with Him daily and grow closer to Him. I feel scared and lonely when I think about my eternity and why I don't actively return home to Him. I feel angry with myself that I don't allow God to be a daily part of my life. I feel ashamed that I put so much before Him. I feel nervous when I think about the day that I'll meet Him and He'll ask me what I've done for Him here on earth and I have nothing to say. I feel afraid that He'll never say to me, "well done, my good and faithful servant." I feel worthless and unworthy of being happy because I've wronged Him in so many ways. Is that why I don't even try anymore...

Randomness I can't explain...

I don't sleep much and I don't sleep well. I love the snow but hate feeling cold. You can call me Mel but never Missy. I've been all the way to Washington D.C. but have never seen Yosemite which is nearly in my backyard. I love snowboarding but am terrified of skateboarding. (Must be something less frightening about hitting the snow than eating pavement.) My friends spend hours curling their hair when it only takes me 5 minutes (add mousse, scrunch scrunch, all done). I was born with freckles all over but can barely see them anymore. I'm obsessed with music but can't play a lick of it. I have tons of friends but constantly feel alone. I love mushrooms on pizza but can't eat them on or with anything else. I can read Spanish but can't speak it. My cat is named Lucy (the same name as one of the most animated comedienne's on television) but has absolutely no personality whatsoever. I'm addicted to shark week on the Discovery Channel but would likely pee myself if I ever encountered one in real life. I'm a bit of a shy, old-fashioned, conservative girl but I have a tattoo, a nose piercing, and dye my hair blackish-red (sangria) frequently. (And I'm getting another tattoo. Woo hoo!) I'll drink a frappucino but not a smoothie. I can't stand fake people but watch them all the time on TV. I want to get married someday but am afraid of committment. I should probably be "committed" for a few reasons. hahaha. I hate public speaking but I teach for a living in which I talk in front of people everyday. I dislike when people stare at me but I stare at others all the time. I love people watching, but don't like to be watched.
I have no idea why I just wrote all this. I have more serious stuff to write but it will have to wait until I'm not quite so exhausted. :) Stay tuned for that one. In the meantime, have fun with this. Share your randomness with me. :)

Um, how 'bout we don't leave the kids unattended?

So today I had a sub "babysitting the kids" because I had some staff development training that I was required to attend. Upon returning to school to pick something up I ran into one of my students and she proceeded to tell me the following story.....
"Ms. Hoffman.....that sub was weird. He like left the room for awhile and we don't really know where he went.....maybe to the bathroom or something. We were so confused."

My reaction went like this: Stop walking. Stand still. Ponder a moment and then freak out a little (not at the student, just in general). "He did WHAT??? He left you guys unattended...in the classroom, by yourselves?? With no teacher supervision....at all??" "Um, yeah....but don't worry, we were really good." (She said this as she cracked a smile.) Ok, so it's totally not the students' fault and it's not my fault because I didn't choose the sub, but WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT??? I was slightly dumbfounded. This is definitely going down in my "teacher stories" book. hahaha

On the lighter side, I'm feelin' a little better since the last time I wrote. Hope I didn't freak any of you out (at least those who know me anyway...as for the strangers who read the last blog, I don't know you so I don't really care....hahaha, no offense).

Sorry this blog is so short, I'm a busy lady. I'll write more next time. peace.

Cold Water

Cold cold water surrounds me now and all i've got is your hand.....Lord, can you hear me now or am i lost.....

Isn't it strange how moods and attitudes can change so quickly...I was feeling well earlier during my previous post and now I can't seem to get a grip.

He's marrying her.

I don't feel the need to explain myself to you at this moment or why I'm feeling like this. Those of you who know me understand that i've been having rough times these past couple of months....even years of my life. I could turn off the lights and sit in the darkness for a year and not care. I almost wish I could do that very thing to avoid being exposed to the light, and you can take that as literally and symbolically as you want. For much of my life I've felt imprisoned by this staying sadness and I have yet to understand or explain it with any kind of intelligence.

I've been lashing out at the people who really love me. Why do I do that? I find it interesting that I am surrounded by so many people who love me and yet I manage to constantly push them away and resist their outstretched arms of comfort. I fear that eventually they will give up on me and just let me go...and why shouldn't they? Who wants to keep trying to help someone who is an expert at evading love and creating an impenetrable island around themselves? I wouldn't. I probably would have ditched myself a long time ago....

To those of you who won't let me fall into the darkness: I love you. Please don't give up on me.

This feels weird...

Ok so this feels a little bizarre...putting some of my thoughts out there for the universe to read, not that everybody would actually read it, but it still feels weird. I've never done this before. So, with that said, here it goes...a little bit of what i'm feeling right now.
I miss my sister terribly. She recently moved far far away from California (where I live) to a little place called OREGON and I never see her. She's my best friend, possibly the one person in the entire world who knows me better than I know myself and I feel like part of me is missing. I'm starting to accept her absence, but I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to it. My heart aches when I think about all of the fun we've had and memories we've shared in the past years of our lives, especially in more recent years when we established a friendship beyond our sisterhood. If you don't understand what that means....clearly you don't have a sister that's also your best friend, which is entirely possible, just not for us. :) Her boyfriend's name is Jeff and he's like my built-in brother, a pseudo brother if you will. I adore the both of them and if you guys are reading this: I miss you and love you. Don't forget me, think of our memories often, and oh yeah, find me a hot guy while you're at it. haha :) Just kidding.....ok, no i'm not. Seriously. :)
I don't do well with relationships. I haven't found "that guy" yet and let me tell ya kids, it's not looking too promising. Mom and dad aren't gonna be getting any grandkids out of me any time soon. I don't really know what else to say about that right now....it's kind of a sensitive subject for me these days so we'll have to revisit that a little later.
I'm a science teacher and it's killing me. hahaha Well not really, but I sometimes feel like I could collapse at any moment without a warning simply from exhaustion and frustration. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my job, it's perfect for me and it's exactly what I should be doing with my life. It's my passion and I can honestly say that I truly care about my students and what happens to them in the future, but if they don't start studying for their tests and bringing their books to class, I just might flip my lid. Seriously, you have a locker, what's the deal? Just go to your locker and get it out before you come into the classroom, k? Ok, lesson over. They'll learn. :)
I think that's it for now. This has been...odd, but kind of cool. Until next time...

Hello World

My sister convinced me to do this. I'll write something valuable eventually I guess. Stay tuned.